Saturday, February 2, 2013

Flashback Friday: Fifty Shades of Grey

You probably wonder why I write this when apparently I hate Fifty Shades of Grey to the guts. Yep, I still so freaking hate this book. But I decided to write this because some dude in my class TALKED TO ME ABOUT FOR AN HOUR and I'M SO MAD and I NEED TO GET THOSE MESSED UP FEELINGS OUT FAST!


When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating. The unworldly, innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and, despite his enigmatic reserve, finds she is desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her, too—but on his own terms.

Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates. For all the trappings of success—his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving family—Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control. When the couple embarks on a daring, passionately physical affair, Ana discovers Christian Grey’s secrets and explores her own dark desires.

Erotic, amusing, and deeply moving, the Fifty Shades Trilogy is a tale that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you forever.

This book is intended for mature audiences.


(Warning: This review may contain cussing, cursing, swearing, very colorful words, and extreme emotions. Fifty Shades of Grey lovers beware)

Probably the first real hate review since I start this blog.

Yep you see the reason why I need to write this review, and I think this could be long.

The plot:

Is there even a PLOT? I mean, what the heck is going on in this book? So there's a literature student falling for a man who is really... sexually sadistic. And don't you dare call the first... I don't know, 100 pages a PLOT. I mean, interviewing Christian Grey and bumping into him for a few times isn't a plot. NO WAY IN HELL. And the rest of the book is about sex and controlling and... kinky fuckery? Is that what it's called (by the way, it's the worst name EVER)? I'd die of laughing if you call THIS a plot. Worst book ever, considering there's not ONE FREAKING plot. Worse than a dumb-ass plot.

The plot (Part 2):

This book... it's originally a Twilight fan fiction. And when I first knew this, I was like WHAT IN THE EFFING HELL DID YOU WRITE?! I mean, I don't like Twilight much, but ruining this book with THIS FAN FIC? God, you've mastered the art of ruining things. And according to one review, there are ONLY A FEW CHANGES OF WORDS and the characters name. Not cool. So. Very. Not. Cool. If you put the Twilight characters back to the fan fic, you'll def puke like shit.

The character:

You know what? I think I can make a list or a chart or something write an essay to express my hatred (and I shouldn't freaking ruin the infamous Divergent scene)

Anastasia (Ana):

So here's the naive, stupid, insecure innocent (yep, being sarcastic here) literature student Bella Swan Anastasia Steele. What in the freaking bloody hell is WRONG WITH HER MIND? Can somebody smack some common sense back to her? When I first read this book... yeah, I know she's gonna fall for Christian Grey. But jeez, it's like she's opening her arms to the worst kind of sex. WHAT THE HELL? She didn't even kiss many guys before Christian Grey. And even though she's stupid as hell, I seriously don't think she's stupid enough to fall for this sexually sadistic fucked-up guy. And she surely doesn't know what real romance and real love is.

And her ways to act like an insecure, naive adolescent is as fascinating as it is ANNOYING. With her words like "holy cow", "oh my". UGH, somebody just shove a bread roll into her throat. PLEASE! I can't imagine how a FEMALE character can be so... disgusting. There are plenty of annoying main female characters out there. But this girl surely master the art of annoyance. Even her roommate, Kate Kavanagh is better. At least she sees something wrong in Christian Grey and she actually protects her friend. What a waste to feature Ana instead of Kate.

Christian Grey:

And here's the hot, sexy sadistic control freak Edward Cullen Christian Grey. And did this ruin the image of Edward. There are plenty to say about this dude. Maybe we start with the not-so-important-part first.

He's a control freak. The worst kind of control freak. I mean, what kind of man will tell his girlfriend/sexual partner/whatever Ana is what to do? And the contract? Is he nuts? Having sex with an innocent college student needs to come with a CONTRACT? And the contract contains all kind of crazy stuff. Like... forcing her to eat healthy? Yeah, did YOU eat healthy. And exercise for like, four hours or something? Surely she's gonna die.

The BDSM part that involves Christian Grey is way beyond bearable. I'm okay with a little BDSM because it's an adult novel, after all. But the whole freaking book is about SEX. God, are you serious? What kind of adult novel is that? Or should I say, WHAT KIND OF EROTICA IS THAT! First, I was not aware this is an erotica (ugh). And even erotica can have a better plot. The way he acts? It's so freaking disgusting. Especially when it comes to the word "wet". God, did I ever want to puke so bad.

And playing with TOYS? Yeah, I know there are all kind of toys out there for sex. But darn it, this is NOT pleasure. This is torture. This is sadistic and inhumane. He's like "oh, using toys while having sex is PLEASURE. You should enjoy this, Ana." (And worst of all, she DOES enjoy this). I literally skipped most of the sex part because it's totally unbearable. It's unfathomable how people out there actually enjoy reading this.

According to the book, his heart is still an insecure adolescent. This is really childish and awkward on him. He's a grown-up in his late-twenties, for crying out loud. Yeah, way to act like a effed-up teen with all the sadistic BDSM and his control-freakishness. It's the perfect way to show you are neither an insecure adolescent or a mature grown-up. This is messed-up.

Worst of all, he dares to use his horrible upbringing as an excuse to what he becomes in the book. What kind of reason is that? THIS IS NO REASON AT ALL. The reason why he acts like this is simple. He's a control freak and sadistic to the core. It doesn't matter who took care of him when he was a kid. He can be my most hated male character just based on this ALONE.

(And even though the supporting characters is NOT COOL AT ALL, they are still better than the two main characters).

The language:

The most annoying part of the book besides the sex. First of all, who starts a book with the word CRAP? The author totally ruined the book right up on the first page. Surely there are better ways to start an adult novel, right? Come on, even a person with just ONE SINGLE BRAIN CELL knows how to start a book PROPERLY. I don't even know what kind of author she is.

And according to an unofficial statistical information originally from goodreads, the number of times of words used in the book is below:

"holy shit" = 65 times
"holy crap" = 54 times
"holy fuck" = 45 times

I am awed. 

This book... it is combined together with a stream of curses, swearing, whatever it is. Okay, let's just make my words simple. THIS IS NOT A BOOK AT ALL! What kind of people use so many curses in ONE SINGLE BOOK. This is so fucked-up, okay? And worse, there are all kind of "oh my" in the book. Stop being dreamy. It's like watching a 15-year-old with a mind of a 8-year-old girl swooning. This is so... I don't even know what to say about it anymore.

And here's one quote: "I blush scarlet". Yep, I'm DYING to see how you blush green or blue or purple or even black. 

Another quote: "My heart is pounding like a frantic tattoo". WHAT? What the heck is a FRANTIC TATTOO? Yeah, I get that your stupid heart is pounding like hell, and it's in a frantic situation. But what is with the tattoo thing? What kind of language is that?

Another quote: "Oh my... he really is, quite... wow. As I touch his hand, I’m aware of that delicious cur- rent running right through me, lighting me up, making me blush, and I’m sure my erratic breathing must be audible.". Come on, some more creative adjective please. What do you mean by he really is quite WOW? Well, I'd probably put WOW SADISTIC here.

Another quote: "body-shattering orgasm" . Totally LOL here. Yeah, so freaking body shattering. Why don't you just lie on the floor already, huh? (Sorry if I'm being a little bit unreasonable here, but this is just so freaking funny) 

I think the oddest of all is probably the whole inner goddess/subconscious thing. I'm so confused. WHAT THE HELL IS HER INNER GODDESS? See all these quotes here:

"and my very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba"

"My inner goddess glares at me, tapping her small foot impatiently."

"My inner goddess has stopped dancing and is staring too, mouth open and drooling slightly."

"My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old."

"My inner goddess glows so bright she could light up Portland."

"My inner goddess is not pleased."

And etc.

Okay, let's be realistic. How can your, what, INNER GODDESS, sway? Or tap her freaking foot? Or DANCING? OR GLOWING!? Come on, it's not like there's a real person in Ana's heart/brain/something (And even a real person can't GLOW, for shit's sake). And bottom line: WHAT IS HER INNER GODDESS? Some kind of her sexual part? 

And here's the subconscious thing. This is slightly better than the whole inner goddess bull crap. But on a psychological level, how can you even be aware of your subconscious part is way beyond me. Unless she's crazy. And maybe she is.


I think this book wants to be like this (And it's totally nothing like this):
- sexy
- funny
- endearing  (God, I will hurl if someone says it's ENDEARING. This is totally ruining the word)
- whatever positive adjective you want to use

This book is:
- disgusting
- confusing
- puke-worthy
- repetitive (especially the sex part)
- self-destructive, manipulative
- really a pain-in-the-ass
- the worst kind of novel

And the whole originally-Twilight-fan-fic makes it a million times worse (I'm so not into Twilight, but even I feel bad for Stephanie Meyer).


The book can be changed into:

1. Fifty Shades of effed-up
2. Fifty Shades of Sexual sadism and control freakishness and horrifying manipulative ways.

(I don't even know how I got through Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed. Maybe it's because I skipped ALL the sex parts)  

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